By Dr. Froswa Booker-Drew
My mother is one of the wisest individuals I know. Her wisdom didn’t come from books solely. A lot of people age but do not necessarily learn from their experiences and environments. My mother’s wit often comes in the form of expressions.
One of my favorite ‘momisms’ is that a dog that brings a bone also takes a bone. Translation: People who gossip about others generally take something that you said back to others. Gossips don’t keep secrets. They share them.
Some people feel that telling the truth is different. It doesn’t matter if the information is true that you are sharing. If it was shared in confidence, it isn’t your responsibility to share it with others.
All gossip isn’t bad. According to research conducted by Hartung, Krohn, and Pirschtat, “six distinct motives were identified that underlie gossip behavior: information validation, gathering, information relationship building, protection, social enjoyment, and negative influence.”
Gossip can be a way of bonding especially if the information isn’t negative or detrimental. Research has also demonstrated that women AND men gossip— despite beliefs that women are the only ones who participate.
The problem is that although gossip may not start as being malicious, it can change quickly to become slanderous. Slander is spreading rumors and lies about a person.
Our society thrives on gossip. From television shows like TMZ to blogs like Media Take Out, we are obsessed as a society in knowing about the private lives of others.
Our incessant desire to know the torrid details is not only focused on celebrities but it happens in our personal and professional lives. We know all information sharing isn’t bad but there are times when it is harmful and destructive to others.
It’s especially damaging when people share their personal thoughts with others only to find out that it has been shared. Trust is broken and relationships are impacted. It takes so much time to build trust and within seconds, it can be destroyed. Gossip happens in our homes, in the church and even at work. So many people have lost jobs, relationships, money and so much more because of factious, mean-spirited gossip.
Author Sherrie Campbell says there are six toxic traits of gossip that happen in the workplace but are applicable to many situations. She states that gossips are immature and that “Immaturity is synonymous with poor mental health.” These individuals need to feel superior by destroying the reputation of others. Other traits mentioned include:
- Embellishment—the need to fabricate to appeal to others
- Emotionally violent— “bargaining tool for success, using “your own words for blackmail when they see fit to mend fences with their original target”.
- Seductive—”a pathological gossiper will smile to your face while scheming to suck you in for the purpose of eventually exploiting your trust.”
- Insecure—” feel justified to take down anyone they see as a threat.”
- Parasitic—”A gossip may appear to care about you, to be interested in what you have to say and to be a person you can trust. They will easily garner your confidence and milk you for business and personal information….”
It’s so easy to focus on offenses like murder, stealing and lying not realizing that gossip kills the reputation of others, takes away from and falsifies the character of those being discussed. James 1:26 states, “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.” Gossip also has a psychological impact. According to Goodtherapy.com, “Being the focus of gossip is not only likely to be humiliating in the moment, it can also have a long-term negative impact on a person’s self-confidence and self-esteem. This impact might, in some cases, contribute to the development of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and eating disorders.” The Bible affirms this in Proverbs 18:8, “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts.” Gossip is something that matters to God:
“A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.” (Proverbs 20:19)
“Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down.” (Proverbs 26:20)
“Do not go about spreading slander among your people. “‘Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life….” (Leviticus 19:16)
Gossip destroys relationships. Gossip is not motivated in love. We are called to build up others, not tear them down. We are not to “bear false witness” (Exodus 20:19 and Deuteronomy 5:20). Our goal should be to live peaceful lives and not one that is divisive and destructive.
Words are powerful and just as they can destroy, let’s use them to lift others up instead of giving into the grapevine of gossip.
Dr. Froswa’ Booker-Drew is an author of three books and the host of The Tapestry podcast. To listen to episodes of the podcast, visit https://www.spreaker.com/ show/the-tapestry_1 and to learn more about her work, go to https://drfroswa.com/
