The latest social media debate is about whether someone proposing an ice cream date as a first date should be a deal-breaker. The debate was sparked by a viral text conversation shared between two individuals–allegedly two women. One is 26 and the other is in her 50s.
The fiftysomething offered to pick the young woman up and then mentioned that she felt like having ice cream since it’s so hot outside.
The 26-year old responded by saying, pretty much, no thanks.
“Sorry if this may come off as rude but I don’t do ice cream dates,” she wrote. “Im a 26 yo woman and a date like that seems like the absolute bare minimum for me. Meeting up would be a waste of both of our times since we probably don’t have the same vibe.”
My goal is always to acknowledge as many perspectives as possible because duality is a thing. I think the straightforward answer about whether ice cream is an ideal first date is, yes. There is nothing inherently wrong with choosing to grab ice cream during your first meetup with a prospective boo. Is it wrong to have a standard about where you want to be taken on a first date? No. I avoid scoffing at people’s standards because everyone is allowed to have them.
What I have more thoughts about is wanting to understand what the goal of a first date is for people who think an ice cream outing is a deal-breaker. I’m also curious to know the underlying values and beliefs of the person who broke off the date and what type of partner she’s looking for.
So, what is the goal of a first date? Some things that come to mind for me are ensuring there’s chemistry, free-flowing conversation, and common interests as well as values. And let’s keep it real, you won’t find out everything about someone on the first date, but you should get a sense of whether you like them or not. When your primary focus is on where someone takes you on the first date, it feels like your goal is more to assess the person’s pockets as opposed to gauging the things mentioned above. The danger in that is that you may get an Instagrammable dinner but overlook the fine details that often matter more than money. You may also end up stuck on a fancy date and feel obligated to stay even if it sucks and the vibe is dead.
Another trap I think people can fall into when they’re focused too much on how much a person spends on the first date is wrongly judging someone’s financial capabilities. Just because your date spent a few hundred dollars on dinner, it doesn’t mean they’ve “got it.” We’ve all heard of that friend who started talking to a guy because she thought he was a big money spender and then realized after getting to know him that he actually had nothing to spend. That said, if you go to a park or Starbucks for a first date and have casual conversations around money values, you may learn more about a person’s financial situation than you will by them paying for two dozen oysters and a bottle of Casamigos.
Not going to sit up here and lie–I have dated several men who haven’t been able to financially carry their weight, so I once judged men by the type of first date they took me on too. My mentality was that if I started out asking for little, the entire relationship would continue that way. And also, that if he didn’t make an effort to impress me on the first date, he never would. Butt wisdom has taught me that first dates aren’t marriage trials and it’s ok to be casual, keep an open mind and just have fun. When I think about it, the person I had the most dreamy first date with turned out to be the worst partner I ever had.
A final thought I have is related to the argument that, “I’m worth more than ice cream on a first date.” I don’t know about you, but never have I ever heard anyone say, “I valued her less because she went to grab ice cream with me on a first date.”
I know we’ve prescribed how valuable we are to how much a prospective date is willing to spend on us, but I’m here to remind you that we are not commodities. Someone can spend a large chunk of money on you and still treat you cheaply. People often ascribe value to you based on your personal values, how you live your life, and how you treat others. You know, intangible things, not where you go on a first date.
This is more reason I think the focus of the first date should be on getting to know someone and that should override a luxury experience. If you are just generally a person who loves opulence, there’s nothing wrong with that, but remember if there’s a connection, you have plenty of time to share your lifestyle and expectations. Just for a little razzle dazzle, I’m also going to add that if ice cream wasn’t her thing, she could have communicated her expectations like a big girl and the other person may have been more than happy to compromise. That wouldn’t have taken anything away from her standards. And besides, I always thought standards were about core values. Not ice cream.
